April 27

It is wet and rainy with a few clouds bursting out. It is 4pm and I still have not left for the court house. I struggle going in public. I do not know if it is because of my anxiety or what is it. It has been a mystery why it is so difficult in leaving the house. Things are piling up. My crush on this women is a complete fantasy and I need to let it go. One nice thing about not being on medication is that one can get their sexual feelings out. I have no place for masterbation. I need to get back o meds and stop it. yes, I have not been able to concentrate lately. it is not much fun liing with Nikai as he is very demanding and thinks eeryone is on his schedule. I try to do the things necessary around the house but he often kills the messenger for news. I think if I was alone i would not get out of bed or eat. The company eeps someone watching me and with the comapanionship it is at least something. I am two weeks away from a hearing in the ciil right division. I hae been stoned eery day to cope with the pain of the reality of my life. A complete misfit. Fear is constant. I guess icould justify it but I know it is not as real as it appears. I do have 70 text messages from astalker and I guess I just live with it.

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